marcus pingham's Journal

a little nighttime organized sound...
with everything going on, been a bit bummed out there hasn't been time to work on much creative. have made a little music, but words have not come at all. on the edge of sleep last night something kept at me, for 'safe as houses', but i was so completely knackered i couldn't even reach over the bed to the pad & pen waiting there. amazingly, i somehow remembered part of it today:

Autumn - that floating downward on the breeze of all Summer’s hopes. To freeze in Winter, as the entropy of New England slows down all its inhabitants - those too of the spectral world of emotion - slow holiday cheer. And instead of preserving one’s dreams in ice casing to burst forth anew in Spring, they simply melt away.

unnegative numbers...
and some days you can actually do it. when inspiration strikes, putting aside everything else you should be doing, even when a nap would prove such blessed relief to your tired, weary soul. i was chomping at the bit to get out of class as about halfway through i was hit by a motherload of ideas, furiously scribbling down notes on scraps of paper so i wouldn't forget. and coming home at 4 and working for 7 hours straight, having to remind and force myself to eat at some point. was thinking it would only take about 3, but then started trying a bunch of other things out, and got basically nothing of the million other things i need to be doing done. but that's fine right now. and although the sounds aren't completely doing what i want them to, and i only have headphones to mix with or the old method of burning cds then making mix notes, repeat, until you get it right, if i haven't quite achieved a little piece of pop magic then at least it's close enough that i know one day it will be the brilliant pop song i know it to be.

when i was finished i thought i'd go check out the pipettes dj set at cargo but upon arriving and seeing the queue/line, i returned straight home, though my luck with buses was not all that. though i was full of such joyful creative energy i walked most of the way there and back. and now feel such tired contentment.

last night i was trying to think of the top 10 songs of the decade, which is going to be very tough. the only two i was pretty sure about were lifestyle's "come on" and saint etienne's "teenage winter".

Current Music: eiscafe - "negative numbers"

coincidences abound...
strange dreams last night that touched tangentially on emails i received upon waking. enough to freak me out a little.

my resolve to "work harder" slightly delayed today by opting to join the ladies for thursday afternoon karaoke. when sarah was singing "say hello wave goodbye" i remembered that the reason i decided to use the line "so hold me tight but wave goodbye" in 'allodynia' was because said song is my fave soft cell song. and yesterday whilst editing vocals, ian remarked a few times (on takes we kept) that they sounded "marc almond-esque". rather pleased with my "tribute to america" - 'burning love', 'dancing in the dark', 'patience', 'stars are blind', 'rush hour' and many more. the highlight of the day - the mark e. smith version of beyonce's "irreplaceable" - def needs to be recorded.

Current Music: sharleen spiteri - "don't keep me waiting"

"work hard"...
i feel curiously content. i hope this doesn't mean i'm getting sick. i'd really like to karaoke tomorrow. ian was pretty ill today, terrible cough/cold. it's been a long day. and about 4 1/2 hours into what we thought would be paving the way for a mix of 'allodynia', perhaps my most beautiful song, we realized it wasn't gonna happen. we had just listened to too many little things to really be able to judge any more. but after 7 hours, we've got a nice little rough mix. and i'm so pleased. it sounds fucking beautiful. since it's not properly mixed, i don't want to let anyone other than the official h bird committee to hear it yet. but as an illustration of how things are going lately, i came home dying to listen again. ian was gonna yousendit me the wav as there was trouble with his usb stick. (i had to catch a train too, which i missed by literally 7 seconds, as i got to the top of the stairs it pulled away, leaving me to sit for another half hour in deepest, darkest coulsdon). but yes, because my internet is rubbish, it took me 40 minutes to finally download and then so excited to hear it, after 1:37 it just goes to noise for the rest of the song. no idea why. but that first 1:37 is lovely. so official h bird committee, fingers crossed, you shall have it tomorrow.

the upside to classes is that usually i'm so annoyed to be there that i come up with some rather good comedic scenes or i can use the time to make other plans. thinking more about my 'current situation' this morning (which seems so freaking long ago now), i decided that, rather conversely, the only thing to do is to work even harder. even though i feel i'm about to collapse. so much needs to be done. this was always my complaint about boston, that nothing ever got done. and although i seem to be doing lots over here, there's so much more to do. when i had to turn down andy's offer of a close-ups gig at the camden head for december, though i really wanted to play it, i thought of offering that i could do it myself, sort of a retrospective, one song from every band i've been in. this is something i really want to do sometime. but i just couldn't get it ready by december, with everything else going on. but it got me thinking. and with people i know having labels that do free download singles and offering me spots, there's some stuff i'd like to get out there. and soon. i'd like to do a lullabye oscillator single of "painting your dead neighbor"/"pneumatic flautist brigade". i consider these to be two of my finest lyrics. i want to finish the AUNTIE e.p. that is written and mostly demoed. and there's a ton of demos i need to finish. so much music has piled up and i've started sending it out to people whose work i like to maybe write some lyrics and sing. there's one i will be particularly psyched about if it works out, as it will be the logical next step after h bird, but i'll keep quiet for now.

"these empty glasses sing, of naive toasts of yesteryear & all they failed to bring"

Current Music: depeche mode - 'work hard'

"young persons' music (tm)"...
in an effort to introduce me to "young persons' music (tm)" (her term)

xandratheblue sent me over some mp3s last night. i was sure i would not be able to understand young persons' music (tm) at all. i'm happy to say i was quite wrong. what impressed me most, & quite so as i immediately bought the rest of the album on itunes after hearing it, was f*ck buttons' "olympians". i was actually quite blown away by how good it was - utter gorgeous melodic noise ("noise" for lack of a better word, hmm...maybe "thunderous soundclouds"?) - and it actually went a long way to improving my dark mood last night. i had heard the name f*ck buttons (without the *) well over a year ago, but since i heard it from young people and with a name like that, i was convinced i already knew what they sounded like. i am happy to be wrong and a little annoyed i still have prejudices like that.

i always seem to forget that alex, jo & 'neen are all actually 'young people', cause you wouldn't know it, they don't act it and have really good taste. cause, to be honest, talking to most people under the age of, say, 27 is kinda annoying, they just act so, well, young.

but back to f*ck buttons. this wonderful wonderful sound reminded me so of joe busch's and my band in 1997 - L.A.D.S. (Les Architects Du Sexe or, roughly translated, 'The Lovemakers'). i always wanted to add drums to the spacey goodness joe and i would make when we shut off the lights in our living room, donned sunglasses and hats we had made via turning our jeans into shorts, grabbing a 12 pack of meisterbrau and a pack of parliaments each. or as i put it in an email to joe last night - "to me it sounds like what the L.A.D.S. would've become had ry and bella stayed together and we continued to provide the soundtrack to their lovemaking whilst wearing funny handmade hats."

i so wish joe and i had actually made a lot more music together. and same for just making more music in general back then. back 5 or 6 years, i suggested an updated version of L.A.D.S. - T.U.S.K. (Two Urban Switched-on Kind-of-guys) but alas, we live so far away.

thanks everyone for your nice messages. just as the good times seem to have gone so too will the bad times pass.

Current Music: girlfrendo - "delicatessen"

going goth again!?!
if i had any free time at all these days (which i don't seem to - between finishing the h bird record, planning to shoot 'the oxford dons' and school), i would record the aug's gone goth!?! album. much to my dismay i have no notes, not even the list of titles, on my laptop and a google search shows, quite unbelievably, that i've never posted them on here unless locked. telling kate about it yesterday in the studio, she said "you have to do this". and i think i someday should.

a brief history - in feb 2000, rockets burst from the streetlamps drove to northampton, ma to play a gig. i had a 102 fever, downed a brooklyn lager and lay down in the dressing room. soon i was up and giddy with this new idea of mine. since everyone, esp. annie, always accused me of being a "closet goth", i would start "aug's gone goth!?!" (the question mark denoting surprise but also the fact that they'd all probably just be pop songs knowing the way i write). so i started scribbling down song titles. the album was to be called "pornaugraphy". if there was a second album, it would be "andraugyny". the songs:

savings bondage
does it hurt when i do this?
all dressed up & no place to die
wolf gang
valhalla fame
cruel tea (one lump or two?)
i, shadow
our days are negative numbered
german art school girl
hiss & hearse
witch way to hell?
dark ness monster (a c-side)
o feel ya

there were more. hopefully i still have that list somewhere. i think i should record this. and only release it as a limited edition to be given away at my funeral. perhaps there should be an aug's gone goth!?! cover band at the wake. i remember the band was going to be all my friends who had easily transformable names - sean t. darkwater, rick web, seth was going to be The Baron Field...

it's a shame, like lots of my ideas, none of these were ever recorded. though i did do an acoustic version of 'german art school girl' on the rock stone sweden tour in 2003.

Current Music: aug's gone goth!?! - "german art school girl"

all on a tuesday night...
i don't get excited by much these days, which is a shame cause there are still things i actually like, but i was very excited to see spiritualized do "ladies and gentlemen we are floating in space" last night. rick came over for one of his typical 2 day jaunts, which was fitting. the first time i ever met rick (& craig uram) was when erin took me to the model on a monday night in july 1997, the week before 'ladies & gentlemen...' was released. i was thrilled as i had just gotten an advance copy. rick, of course, had found one of the recalled versions with the elvis sample. i next ran into rick when my sister drove me to providence to see the 'ladies & gentlemen...' tour. i was alone & didn't know anyone and rick invited me to sit with them. annie was there, who i was convinced was his gf, and a girl who really liked the legendary pink dots. i remember the whole show being amazing, esp. 'broken heart' & 'walkin' with jesus'.

so we picked up our tix at 6.30 and had time to kill. out on the balcony we encountered a very high man who had driven down from leeds for the show and was ranting how 'ladies & gentlemen...' was the most amazing record he'd ever heard in his life. rick commented "yeah, but i like 'pure phase' better" our exuberant man stopped in his tracks, a look of total perplexion crashing across his face. "what?" it transpired that he'd never heard nor heard of 'pure phase' before. now you'd think if you'd heard what you thought was the most amazing record ever, you'd investigate the other works of that artist. he then asked rick to hang out in nyc in 2 weeks and then his friend came over and asked if rick and i were the proclaimers. i guess i can see it but i'm not in the slightest bit blond. he launched into '500 miles' and luckily steve texted to say they were at a pub nearby, getting us out of there.

we met up with john d who told us an amusing story about a friend of his who'd broken an island's schnapps drinking record and then woke up in hospital thinking he'd been mugged. in fact, he'd been run over by a taxi upon leaving the pub.

( ladies & gentlemen... )

then we apparently missed bryan ferry outside the RFH but headed to scarlet's club. steve & 'allie bailey' (i know her full name because that's how she kept referring to herself, of which i approve) soon joined us and were gung-ho about karaoking 'the promise' by girls aloud, not when in rome. so steve simply walked across the street and booked us a room. finishing our drinks, steve and i said we should form a band that would be like "the straight pet shop boys". this was quickly qualified to "the sort-of-straight pet shop boys" ; ) 'the promise' turned into an hour which became an hour and a half. 4 person karaoke is really the ideal. highlights, from what i can remember, 'stars are blind', 'rush hour', 'do you remember the first time?', 'virginia plain', 'enola gay' and a closing 'take on me' where for about a second steve and i nailed the falsetto in unison. my attempts to do a lot of spice girls were continuously thwarted. and we learned the hard way that 'crazy in love' is quite difficult. rick and i back to the arts club for a final drink. i awoken this morning by what sounded like a giant dumpster full of glass crashing onto the pavement. over and over and over again. probably just dreaming...

Current Music: sonic youth - 'kool thing'

night songs...
fancy cover, then. the master is back and sounds huge & awesome. the artwork is almost done and looks disco & awesome. thinking of what to write in the press release then. difficult to do in conversation, but most of us know one shouldn't name other bands to describe your music, or solely name other bands - i quite like the first h bird bio with the arguement of what soundtrack to have as we fly the space shuttle into the sun. most of this came to me on the edge of sleep last night, took awhile but i convinced myself to write it down:

Wet emerald sheen of secret alleyways. Ice haunting the cracks of torn graffiti. Nightadorned whispers of magic. Thunder announces her arrival, illumination reveals nothing. Violet lights through windowpanes, daring the dead of night. A musicbox winds pulling music for disillusioned pleasure robots. This city a stranger's silhouette, a serpentine embrace. Traipsing silent through broken glass, a stiletto heel punctures a lipstick print left only hours before. Polished voices pierce the Fragile Chamber of Night. Watching.

talk about self-referential. but i like it. i don't know if it's useable. but i like it.

not sure if "This city a stranger's silhouette" should be "This city a sunken silhouette". "This city's sunken silhouette" probably sounds better but i'm not sure if it's what i want to say. And the repetition of "a". Perhaps "This city a sunken silhouette, low serpentine embrace" ?

help?

Current Music: the four tops - "turn to stone"

an alcohol-related hugging concussion*...
this evening meeting sasha and nicola (who for some reason i only ever get to see when swedes are in town). and off to the charles lamb. which is where i believe i met jdc & kate my first night back in london in 2006, thus beginning a string of fun latenight cake and fruity drinks runs and the summer of h bird. an ace pub. and i believe with this & wish day, things might just be turning around. (though i currently feel rubbish. either allergies or a looming cold. either of which i'd like to go away. plus a very busy week with lots of drinking probably didn't help. but further proof of my creativity -> illness theory)

sasha told me about Witkiewicz and it was the first time i'd ever heard of this chap. sounds like a fascinating character. only "insatiability" has been translated into english which i'm now very curious to read. sasha says most people describe it as 'very difficult', though sasha says it's not as difficult as 'gravity's rainbow'. i guess that's not saying much. but 700 pages with 200 pages of footnotes.

two things that made me happy:

gig went well last night. i couldn't hear at times. and was sitting in an uncomfortable position and my hand cramped up (failure has a thousand excuses...). i thought it went alright, i f'd up a few times but thought i covered well. afterwards idit told me "you play guitar amazingly". which really made me happy. i'm pretty good sometimes but it's nice to know that when i'm not at my best, it isn't that bad.

i ran into my friend ben & a ladyfriend of his on holloway road today looking for a pub. i directed them to big red as the swimmer was closed. ben asked, "what have you been up to today? recording?" i said, 'no', turned to his friend and said 'i make music'. and ben added 'very good music.' which really made me happy as i had no idea he had ever even heard any of my stuff. ben was in pocketbooks when they started and who we did the first ever h bird gig with. i met him much later, after he had left the band, and gave the wonderful reason why as "i realized i'm really only interested in two things. classical literature...and girls."

*this is what happened to nicola last week and why she couldn't drink for 5 days

Current Music: help stamp out loneliness - "record shop"

"the alcohol would probably kill all the germs"...
i just had a wonderful conversation full of delightful lunacy with my sister, jaim. she was telling me how on tuesday she & her husband became convinced one of them had snuck pot into the dinner as they soon were suggesting things like "wouldn't it be cool to take dave (their dog) to the taxidermist and have him turned into a cooler?". then jaim countered with, "or it could be like a tap, with beer stored inside and it would come out his 'wang'. we could call the contraption "Budwanger"." (they would not be aware of the mitchell & webb sketch) i really want to use this idea in the script for "47 PINTS DAY" now.

then i told her how (most) everyone was impressed with the mango & watermelon gum and soon started talking about an old friend who used to smoke newport light 100 cigarettes (do you have newports here?). jaim suggested that perhaps she should start an import/export business to the UK for these things under the name "Orbit & Newport Light 100 Wanger". she thinks she should have a small part in '47 PINTS DAY' as this importer/exporter character. wearing a moustache of course. there could also be "wangercash" like the old 'camel cash'. when you've bought enough orbit/newport light 100s you send in the cash for a free 'Budwanger'.

i love my sisters. they are freaking hilarious.

i am currently obsessed with the below song.

Current Music: help stamp out loneliness - "record shop"

i think it should be known as "Awesomest Man"...
...and wish to be referred to as such from now on.

"As some of you may know, Duncan & I write comedy together. It's always good to get feedback. So if any of this speech doesn't work for you, let me know so I can change it for Duncan's next wedding."

so yeah, i'm also in charge of organizing the stag do. will has suggested prague which i'm quite up for. but i really like the idea of monaco, with the casino and all. duncan said maybe dublin and outright vetoed my idea of odessa.

"Just a little town called Awesome, U.S.A."...
so it looks like this might actually happen. jamie & i are gonna meet up on tuesday to get some ideas together. thinking a 10-minute episode we can easily film to start things off. i'm convinced we'll need hot blondes in bikinis (any volunteers? ; ) ) and a mock up of a book cover that reads "American To English Dictionary".

i've been quite amused all day thinking up little ideas for it. i think the first scene should be me outside a tube station with an american flag suitcase looking confused. i shall then take out said american-english dictionary.

i had no idea what sort of capers we'd actually solve but jamie has suggested "an episode where we expose the tycoon who's trying to take over my university, and replace my Department of Classics with a Department of Peter Andre Studies." excellent.

i think i should always refer to jamie as being "english" though he'll be talking in his normal voice.

there should be lots of (when discussing important case) "i know what to do!" then cut to us surrounded by hot girls in bikinis and champagne bottles.

i would also like to claim that led zeppelin were an american band. jimmy page just used all that black magic stuff to convince everyone they were british.

my fingers really hurt. strange as i've been playing guitar everyday for the past 2 weeks. down at david's today to rehearse for saturday's gig at gloomy. we recorded some songs "live" that may surface sometime later this week.

am very very pleased with how "first kiss lips" is coming out. it is (as everything on this h bird record seems to be) EXCITING. it was never one of the standout tracks but always a strong one. i think the very first one we played live. and now we've bumped up the tempo and it makes me very happy. that feeling of first kissing someone you really like that i've always said is inherent in all great pop music. and hence the title. more h bird recording on thursday. very exciting indeed.

Current Music: h bird - "first kiss lips"

the oxford dons...
at black plastic pippa had an absolutely magnificent idea. judging by the way jamie & i (david barnett: 'well done, you look completely ridiculous') were dressed, she said we should have an oxford english professor and don johnson from 'miami vice' detective sitcom. i've grown more & more enamoured of this since. it would be like 'the persuaders' (sort of) and 'the persuaders' was the one of the best shows ever made and really needs to be brought back.

i've come up with what my, rather lengthy, catchphrase would be:

"Look, I'm American, damnit! We don't go in for all this literature stuff!" (then sweep stacks of books off Jamie's desk or knock book out of his hand) "Now let's go shag some birds!"

rory pointed out to me how funny it is when i say this, hearing it in an american accent.

i would also constantly be pulling a gun on things, chewing gum and punching people for little reason.

Current Music: bad dream fancy dress - "choirboys gas"

"baby when your lips meet mine..."
i had a moment of happiness today when i realized that not only will the h bird album actually get done before i die, but it may very well get done well before that, soon even. and i can spend all that time before i die listening to it and enjoying it and fondly remembering the days when i had a very romantic soul before i chucked it all in to become a chemical engineer just because i labor under the delusion that it pays exceptionally well (£6,000,000/year plus you get some sort of cool walking stick that other people see as a parrot).

after the guitars are done on 'first kiss lips' there will only be 2 more songs that need the music done, tho alas, all the music. but still, only 2 more. and 5 need vox and 7 to mix. but all in all should only take 5 or 6 days. and i've got next thursday booked and 1 or 2 days first week of october. i'm rather excited about this. to think one day it will all be done.

Current Music: h bird - "first kiss lips"

kimonos and cowboy hats*...
me: "i spent all my money last night."
duncan (surprised): "on what?"
me: (shrug) "drinking."

after a week fighting off the swan flu everyone in london seems to have come down with and getting to bed between 6 - 8.30 a.m., a very fun weekend. don't stop moving last night was very fun and very drunken. when you see a bottle labelled "42 Below", you must do shots of it, even if it turns out to be new zealand vodka. and ordering port around midnight isn't a very good idea, esp. when the barstaff don't seem to know what that is. though giving someone port when they asked for a 'pint' isn't very funny esp. after you've already cleared up your initial mishearing. still i wanted port and it is good this did not happen.

amazingly up at 8 a.m. today, the time i've been falling asleep at lately, and off to priory park for some long-awaited basketball which i was very excited about. i love basketball and don't think i've played since 2002. stuart and i beating duncan and vino in the 1st game, vino & i losing in the 2nd. many games of HORSE inbetween after introducing it to the brits. i find the british way of shooting bizarre, launching from the chest, and apparently derived from something called 'netball' which doesn't make any sense to me either. stuart leaving, will turning up. then vino left and i played 1 on 2 against will and duncan. beating them 11-nil in the first game. then elin showing up and playing 1 on 3, and winning 7-3. still, i don't think i played all that well - my shot percentage was appalling low and i missed a lot of lay-ups that should've gone in. retiring to the three compasses for 5 hours of drinking, roast, pool, quiz machine and aching legs.

*last night duncan and i decided we were going to dress me up as a japanese person then take me to a japanese restaurant. but, because i love getting things wrong or better, not entirely right, i would be wearing a kimono and a cowboy hat. duncan volunteered to dress as a geisha. today neither of us has any clue WHY were going to do this.

Current Music: "don't stop moving"

the surprising case of the post-30 hangover...
last week round this time, i was saddened by the sense & scents of a new england autumn approaching and the knowledge that i was going to miss it. but when i got back to london, where summer has most definitely ended, i realized that perhaps i enjoy autumnal europe even more.

in NH, fitts and i were talking about the post-30 hangover and what a shock it was that all the warnings turned out to be correct, of course unheeded by invincible youth & there's nothing you can do about it anyway. but my, how i look back on what i considered to be 'hangovers' in my 20s and think they were akin to 'the best i feel nowadays'. heh. but fitts brought up a very good point - is there another age, like 30, past which the hangover gets even worse? and why does noone mention it? though i couldn't imagine them to be worse (well, maybe if i still smoked). oh how i envy

barrysarll, a confirmed cider-drinker (the sweet stuff always hits me the hardest the next day), who describes being drunk as "a feeling of being at one with the cosmos" and any (rare) hangover he may experience as simply 'a wistful melancholy at not being so anymore'. whereas my (very definite) hangovers are existential freak-outs of the highest order where i fear even death would not ease the pain. how i often repeat that kingsley amis quote - "he who believes he is hungover hath no hangover".

twas a fun weekend - the pipettes for free, a very fun & drunken CAP. and 18CLA & neen's party the night before. at which sarah told me: "it's funny how you're american but you're more reserved than any british person here." and then kept this going by in the midst of telling a story said, "i'm sorry for swearing, aug". heh. and pointing out a few other things that such a man like me might take offense to. i was highly amused.

at the beginning of the 'principia discordia' there's a nietzsche quote that i quite like :

"I tell you: one must still have chaos in one to give birth to a dancing star!"

it reminds me of the way i work. and, with so many ideas, how difficult it is to get anything done. spending all day on a piece of writing brought nearly to completion with hopes to finish it the next, only to wake up and find some new music popping around one's head that needs to be dealt with post-haste. or vice-versa. for to ignore inspiration seems folly. though as does leaving things half-finished.

Current Music: would be goods - "too old"

giant adenoidal-type structures...
my grandmother told me today that my grandfather had some "english money", and that if she could find it, i could have it. i'm curious. it could either be a couple of pound notes (which would be kinda cool, i've never seen these) or, fingers crossed, something else, as the man used to hide $100 bills in books and other things around the house, you know, "just in case".

but this sparked the question, "had pop ever gone to england?" because i had never heard him even mention it, and this was a man with lots to say about everything. and my grandmother answered, "oh yeah, we went....and then we went to soho. have you ever been to soho?"

me, straight-face: "yeah."

gramma: "we had a good time. you didn't know if it was a lady, a man, or an animal." and then carried on with another part of the story.

Current Music: coming up roses - "i could've been your girlfriend (if you'd asked me to)"

a decision to stay on...
i awoke monday morning, and as if it had come to me in a dream, i was convinced staying another week would be "a good idea". then annoyingly, as nothing is ever helpful, 'last orders for gary stead' gets stuck in my head for the whole day, 'you're in a bad way' comes on an old mix cd in the car, and i find out kitson is playing eugene mirman's comedy festival in nyc in a few weeks when i'm back in london. my reasons for going back to london were that i was getting into the beachdown festival for free for st et, then going to see kitson in regent's park on saturday night. no other reasons to be back really except that it'd be nice to be back in london and, as there never seems to be much time here to get anything done, i might accomplish more back in my own space. lots of music to record and stuff to write.

the reason staying popped into my head in the first place was i thought i could save a little money by being here - family dinners, not drinking so much, etc. and it was really seeing my credit card bill that put this in mind, as my last-minute trip to zurich was very very expensive - staggering even for me, even for me whilst depressed. plus i'd (hopefully) get to spend more time with my family who i never get to see and hang out with friends here and in nyc who i haven't had the chance to see yet this trip.

but how does one make choices when they always seem about the same, and there's always something you're missing? and as usual i finally decided to see, as it was basically all the same to me, where doing the most amount of good would lie. and it seems to be staying here. i can go along to what promises to be 2 nights of fine dining up in NH this weekend and drive the 4 1/2 hours each way so my parents don't have to. i can help out with a bunch of stuff around the house. and hopefully find some time to get some stuff of my own done. there is a piano here.

and today i find out that beachdown is cancelled anyway. why, oh why, "is my timing that flawed"? 2 days of agonizing over a decision and the information that would've greatly helped settle it arrives too late, always too late. in a perhaps not unrelated matter, i started reading the 'principia discordia' over breakfast.

i'll be back in london on the 4th. LET'S GET DRUNK.

Current Music: those dancing days - 'hitten'

the continuing saga of the worst year of my life...
a few weeks ago i declared that this seems to be "the year of long-term relationships coming to disastrous ends and 22-year-old tail, with some people i know having gotten both". i can only imagine that if you're coming out of a long-term relationship, 22-year-old tail would help quite a bit. but today i realized that this year for myself is 'the year nothing has gone my way in the slightest'. if i didn't know the universe to be indifferent, i would almost surely think it has been conspiring against me. nothing seems to go right these days and you're left with choices where no matter what, nothing will go right. i'm old and bored (though not quite as bored as george sanders ; ) ). if the new h bird stuff didn't sound so good and 'safe as houses' wasn't coming along so well, i think i'd just disappear. but mr. sarll told me a few weeks back that he considers the h bird songs and 'ditch the theory' to be better than 'perfect lovesong'. so that's something.

Current Music: la roux - 'fascination'

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